


Domina Mortis

by DiamondLoveGood



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, Drama, Flashbacks, Forgiveness, Friendship, Happy Ending, Harry Potter to the Rescue, Starting Over, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24979240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiamondLoveGood/pseuds/DiamondLoveGood
Summary: When Harry saw Snape's memories, everything changed for him. The sour and snarky Professor had always been there when he needed it. It is only time that Harry returns the favor.
Relationships: Harry Potter & Severus Snape, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley
Comments: 7
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

When Snape woke up in the hospital, he had been so appalled that he survived - that he sneered at the boy, who was now the man who lived to torment him another day - until he finally went away and left him alone.  
The healer scolded him, saying that Harry Potter had been visiting every day for all the two weeks that he took to recover and wake up.  
It had been the trauma of being bitten by the bloody snake that made him lash out - as always - and even though the boy irritated him to no end, he felt a little bad for pushing him away.  
As expected, the boy didn't appear again while he remained in St.Mungus for 2 months. No one came to visit - as he expected - but at least Aurors were not waiting to take him to Azkaban. It seems that after the war, the first thing that the boy who lived tried to do with his influence was to have Snape pardoned and everyone was content to do as the boy wished.

When he was about to leave the hospital, however, he found that Potter kept an eye on his recovery and was already there, ready to take him home.  
Uncomfortable and humiliated, Snape wanted to lash out again on their way back to Spinner's End through a muggle mean he never used before - a taxi. Potter had said that he was still too wounded to apparate and that it would be safe.  
Not knowing how to say thank you - a sour bastard as he was and feeling so embarrassed to be seen in his tattered robes and in such a weak state - Snape ended up closing the door with a bang on Potter's face when he asked hopefully 'Can I help you settle down, Professor?'

He just wanted a minute to himself, but he was so frantic that instead of making an excuse or going to another room, he had done that. He didn't actually want to be by himself but was also embarrassed to have Potter seeing in what state he lived in.  
He cleaned his house with magic as best as he could, trying to see how a visitor would perceive his habitation - Pettigrew hadn't counted, he couldn't care less about what the rat thought, and the Black sisters only visited his living room - but didn't have enough energy to do a thorough job.  
The next day, he was slightly disappointed that Potter didn't come, although he didn't blame the boy.

As the months went by, Snape feared for his savings that were dwindling and he didn't know what he would do to survive. If McGonagall had forgiven him, she surely would have let him know that he could get either of his jobs back. As she never wrote or visited him, he thought he knew the answer. He felt a pang every time he thought of her because she had been one of the few people who had liked him for himself.  
Snape also didn't know what was happening to him, but sometimes tears would blurry his vision, no matter how much he tried to repress it. As an introverted who prided on knowing himself, he soon realized that without the masks that he had put on for decades, the constant stress and demands from two masters stronger than him (one was a tyrant, the other was only a little better), he was free to grieve. And he couldn't hold his sadness back anymore. Even his occlumency shields were weaker now. If he still had to be a spy, he would have been doomed.  
He heard somewhere that a traumatic event like the bloody snake bite could do that to someone.

Snape felt like he had paid his dues by protecting the god damn boy who lived, he didn't plan on surviving, neither he wished to. He felt that it was actually a terrible thing to be alive and probably hated by everyone. He didn't even have enough galleons to move to another country.

An idea started brewing in his mind and the more he grieved - like a ghost haunting his house as if he was already dead - the better the idea sounded.  
He never forgot a certain potion called Domina Mortis because he came upon it after Lily stopped talking to him and definitely decided to use it again when he himself caused her death. Thanks to Dumbledore - who knew exactly what he needed, a reason to live - he ended up forgetting the potent potion. Domina Mortis would first put you in dreamless sleep, then it would embrace you in the best memories you had in life, making you relieve it while you wasted away without any suffering.

He had no one in this world. Maybe he never did. Even his mother hadn't been strong enough to leave his father and end both of their torment from his father.

He was lonely.

And very sad.

The problem was that Domina Mortis took exactly three months to be ready. Not even a bloody poly juice potion took that long, something that he always had in hand, just in case when he had been a spy. Even Wolf's Bane - the most troublesome potion Albus forced him to brew for an old, hated enemy didn't take that much time.  
He had felt a twinge when he heard the werewolf had died. Snape had saved Lupin's life, ending up hitting one of the Weasley's twins instead, adding to his long list of regrets.

He wanted to end his suffering now but muggle means like taking their crazy drubs or jumping off the bridge two streets beyond his house sounded messy... And undignified. As a Potion's Master (or maybe the Association would even revoke his license), he thought that those muggle drugs would kill the person in tremendous agony. It's just that no one survives to say that it is a terrible method of suicide.

With his isolation, he had a lot of time to think. He realized that Albus had been his only friend in his entire life. Maybe not even Lily had really liked him because she didn't forgive him in the end.  
Albus was sometimes tough as a general and at other times, a little exploitive but that was because Snape had been a spy. The Headmaster always seemed in pain when asking him to do something dangerous or that required courage. When he came back from Death Eater meetings, he could swear sometimes that the damned old man wanted to hug him or something. Obviously, no one who knew him would dare to do something so foolish and that would get them hexed, but Albus seemed to care for him.  
Snape had opened up about somethings he never told anyone, like how he pretended to not care how hated he was but that in fact, he did. When not being able to say things that would sound like pity, Albus would just give him a beautiful glass of his best fire whiskey - which became Snape's favorite.  
He dreaded doing what his friend asked of him all the way and when he finally killed Dumbledore, part of him was destroyed forever. Since then, it was extremely difficult to wake up in the morning and just... live. He really counted on not surviving the war. He never, for a second, thought that something so terrible like his survival would happen.  
If only he had Albus, he would be able to go on. He didn't realize how much he cherished Albus' friendship and support - despite all of the sentimental Gryffindor's flaws - until he was gone. By his own hands.

And now he would have to wait for three months until he could finish what the war refused to do.

After he came back from the hospital and he slammed the door at Potter's face, it was with surprise that he heard a knock at his door, a week later. The doorbell had been broken long ago and he didn't know how to fix it, neither he had the galleons to do so. He wondered for a few seconds if he should remain on his favorite old chair, staring at a wall - pretending to read - and ignore the knock. Maybe it was just a rare neighbor coming to see who was there as the lights were lit at night lately when he was usually away for most of the year. Just the thought of getting up and walking five steps to the door was really draining.

It was Potter.  
'Hello, Professor Snape.'  
He stared at the boy who lived and then at what he was carrying. Potter had a paper bag with him and was smiling up, hopefully. Then he wrinkled his nose a bit and tried to cover it up.  
Immediately, Snape became aware that he hadn't bathed for... dear gods, hopefully, only two days but he was afraid that it could be longer than that. He had just gone through some grieving episodes and when he came out of his misery, many days have passed.  
He hadn't eaten either and the smells coming from the packet made his stomach come alive.  
'What do you want?' He asked in his blunt way, already regretting his attitude. He resolved to breathe before being rude or shoving the door on Potter's face again. Maybe talking to someone, even James bloody Potter's son could help him not to drawn in his own misery.

Potter raised his bag. 'I brought food. I am sorry, I just wanted to talk to you for a while. I hope I am not asking too much.'  
So the man-boy comes here and pretends that he is the one needing help. Maybe Potter will never learn to be subtle. The boy sounded like he has been instructed by Granger. At least it gave him the dignity to pretend that he was indeed, making the boy a favor.

'Ah... I... Well, come in. But I can't entertain you for long.'  
'Oh, it's fine.' Potter smiled brightly with Lily's eyes shining up at him, making his stomach flip. 'I am really hungry too so we just share a meal together, and then I'll be on my way.'  
Snape just nodded stiffly, wondering where they could sit in a way that he could keep Potter far away from him. There was the kitchen but he was brewing there so unfortunately, they would have to eat in the living room, making his books smell of takeaway curry.

After bringing two cups of water from the kitchen, Snape indicated Potter should sit on the other chair - not his favorite - with a stiff gesture of his chin - and then moved to his own place.  
Silently and smiling like a loon, Potter brought up the food, talking nonsense about how it was from his favorite place and how he almost spilled everything when he apparated with the food.  
'You can't apparate carrying liquids... or a baby with you, for that matter.' Snape snorted.  
The boy grinned sheepishly. 'You know how I was in school, never paying attention to the lessons. Maybe because there was a maniac after me. But I've learned my lesson. And they really wrap the food well in this Pakistani restaurant, see? There are no spills.'  
'You were just lucky this time.' Snape said, taking a bite of rice and having to stop a groan of pleasure. He was really, really hungry.  
They ate in silence and Snape peeked at Potter to see if he was being observed. He was very self-conscious about eating and showing his crooked and yellow teeth, but he didn't have to worry. The boy was devouring his food and only had eyes to it like he was starving and with very little manners. Snape scrunched his face in disgust and stopped looking.  
Snape finished eating first, even though Potter had been swallowing his food at light speed. He rested his back in his comfortable but very old chair, crossed his legs, then his fingers in a majestic gesture, and then asked. 'What is this visit about, Potter?'  
The boy raised his thick eyebrows, took a swallow of water to wash away the food - making Snape cringe in disgust - and then said. 'Hum... I was just curious. We never talked since I got your memories.' And like he suddenly remembered about them, he looked worried. 'The healers returned them to you, I trust?'  
Snape nodded briefly.  
'Curious about what?'  
'Well... everything.' Potter gestured with his hands exaggeratedly. 'First of all, I want to thank you for everything you did for me. I was crushed when I found out how much you helped me only when I thought you were dead. And how did you even survived? Even if for me, you were still a Death Eater that killed...'  
At Snape's wince, Potter's face scrunched and he shifted his words with no subtlety at all. '...anyway, I believed in what I was supposed to of course, you were a great spy and hero all along...'  
'If you think I am a hero, then you are the only one, Mr.Potter.' Snape snorted.  
Harry looked at him, stricken. 'Is that what you think? The Weasleys would love to have you for dinner but...but being the way you are, they are just afraid that you would close the floo on their faces. And Professor McGonagall...'  
'Don't even start with me, Potter.' Snape interrupted angrily. 'Minerva had a long time to visit me at the hospital or in here, and no one tried. Like I would believe in any of this nonsense. I was hated even before all I've done... After murdering Al...'  
Potter approached and put his hand over his knee, stricken. Snape jerked away, making the boy raise his hand and step back to his creaking chair.  
'Believe me, Headmistress McGonagall feels awful because she dueled you. She feels guilty and thinks that she should have known you would never have betrayed us. When she talks about you, her eyes fill with tears. She thinks that you hate her for having so little faith in you.'  
Snape looked away, wavering. All he wanted was for McGonagall - the only one he still cared about - to forgive him. To have the Weasleys too... He peered at Potter. The boy wasn't cruel enough to invent lies like that. Albus had been right, Potter was much more like Lily than his father. He tried to help Snape when he was dying, even though he had killed Dumbledore and Potter thought he was a traitor.

'Anyway.' He said, breathing faster. He knew he was about to kick Potter out. He was overwhelmed by his brilliant presence, full of hope, and a life ahead of himself. With so many friends, unlike Snape. He doubted that his life could be any different. 'Even if it is true, I just want to be alone.' He raised his voice despite his initial decision. 'Get out.'  
Potter thinned his lips but then nodded. At the door, however, he turned a little and murmured. 'I'll be going now but I'll always be back.' 

0o0

This time he seemed to have really done it because Christmas was approaching and there was no sign of Potter. He was the only one who tried to talk to him and Snape had pushed him away. It had been three weeks (more than last time) and Snape had lost himself in long flashbacks of pain and torment and there was no one to stop him and bring him back to this world.  
Still, the potion would take as long as it would and he kept to his decision.  
There was really nothing to him in this world, there never was.


	2. Chapter 2

That's when he heard a knock at the door.

This time, he had been bathing every other day, just in case Potter visited because last time had been so embarrassing.  
When he opened the door with more force than necessary, he saw that Potter was at his door, smiling sheepishly and with a cardboard box on his hand. The box had a shiny obnoxious yellow bow to it.

'What in the world are you doing here, Potter. And what is that?'  
'Well...' Potter smiled and instead of asking for permission, he just barged in and went to the chair offered to him the last time.  
'It's from Molly.' The boy said cheerfully.  
'If it was... why didn't she brought it herself?'  
'Because of what we already talked about. She wanted to, she even sent an owl inviting you but you didn't answer.'  
Snape turned and looked at his window. 'I never heard any owl.'  
'Oh, I checked.' Potter chuckled. 'You have wards against them and all sorts of dark things around your house. You are truly the ultimate Defense Against the Dark Art's Professor. No wonder you wanted the position for so long. I am only glad that you got to teach it, even if for a short while. I must confess that your classes were really enjoyable, although the pictures you hanged made your dungeon Potion's class look a kindergarten cheery class in comparison.'

Snape's head snapped back at the boy to see if he was being mocked but the boy was looking at him in adoration, which was quite unsettling. No one ever looked at him in that way. He thought about asking what a kindergarten meant but left it at that. It was probably some muggle stuff that would only encourage Potter to continue talking.  
'Please.' Harry indicated his paper plate with cake.  
'Is it Christmas already?' Snape murmured.  
Potter looked up, stricken. 'Yes, it is. I don't like you locked up in here, never talking to anyone. If you stopped kicking me out or slamming doors in my face, I'd like to come by when I can, and I'd like to invite you to come to eat with us in Grimmauld Place too.'  
Snape took a bite of the delicious cake and his stomach rumbled, embarrassingly. He remembered Molly's cooking and it made his eyes sting. He had forgotten to eat again.  
Harry stared at him worriedly. And didn't find the rumble funny at all.  
'Yes, I am living with Ron and Hermione. Ginny comes to visit often. We got engaged.'  
Snape suddenly had a memory of someone who looked very much like the boy-man in front of him, stealing another red-hair from him and choked.  
Potter ran to the kitchen to grab water and came back, frowning. He hit Snape on the back repeatedly as he tried to drink the water, making him spill it until the Slytherin had to shove him away from him. Finally, after a long time, he stopped coughing. His face must have been red because it was burning.  
'I guess you expect me to congratulate you.' Snape said finally, his voice weak.  
'Oh no, I would never expect you to change your ways. I think I understand you now and these niceties are not something I would expect from you. I like you just the way you are.'  
Snape frowned, trying to see if he was being made fun of. Nothing seemed off so he went on eating his cake.  
'Uh...Professor?' Potter asked which Snape only answered by raising one snarky eyebrow.  
'I saw that you are brewing something... It is nice to see that you are back in business but...uh, what is the potion about?'  
Snape breathed deeply before swallowing. 'That's none of your business.'  
Potter raised his hands in surrender and grinned.

0o0

Snape had no idea why he was doing this, only that enduring episodes of excruciating pain and memories with no reprieve was too much even for him. And he wasn't going to resort to alcohol as his weak father done.  
Going to dinner with Potter, Granger, and Weasley - even if they were a pack of unsufferable Gryffindors was preferable to this hell he was in. It would be a welcomed distraction so maybe time could run a little faster until... until his potion was ready...

The first dinner with the golden trio was awkward. Granger seemed on the verge of tears and Weasley was uncomfortable, making Potter talk without pause for breath.

In time, things smoothed down and Snape was invited to go there every weekend.

On Wednesdays, Potter started to visit him with takeaway but because he went on digging where he shouldn't - as always - he found that Snape had no food on his pantry or fridge one day, and Potter started grocery shopping for him and even cooked for them. That was great because not only didn't Snape had the drive to cook, he was terrible at it despite being a Potion's Master. He never tried to. He also had been terrible at taking care of himself since he killed Dumbledore and Potter seemed determined to look out for him. There were frozen vegetables and canned soup - Potter said - for Snape to eat when he wasn't in the mood to cook, which the boy should know that he never was.

Finally, Snape accepted being taken to the Burrow but only if Potter remained with him as the boy was becoming his safety net, more and more.  
The dinner was too cheery for his taste. Arthur was so accepting and Molly so nurturing that Snape could barely stand it, having a knot stuck in his throat all dinner. They were acting like their guest hadn't been a Death Eater and a murderer. He couldn't look at George Weasley and his missing ear and he regretted going there. They didn't insinuate anything or remotely brought back the past. They simply acted like they were happy to see him.  
When dessert was finished and most of the boisterous family went outside, George was waiting to talk to him and Snape thought of running. The young man wanted to shake his hand and say that he understood why Snape had to do what he did. That's when he just turned around brusquely, and ignoring Potter's calls, got into the floo and went back to his house. He refused to open the door for Potter for two weeks but he did remove the wards and answered insufferable Gryffindor's letter because he was worried about him. Snape fell into a period of bitter tears and nightmares but it was a good thing because he had been forgiven. He felt lighter afterward and didn't check on his potion too often.

Finally, there was a knock on his door, which was strange because he only expected Potter on Wednesdays and he would only visit the Burrow or Grimmauld Place on Sundays. It was still a Saturday and he thought that Potter had come for some reason when he saw Minerva.  
Her thin lips were pursed together as she looked down. Then she took a deep breath and raised her eyes at him. He felt frozen on the spot, shame overtaking him. She looked so stern that he was sure that she came to question or chastise him. That's why he was so surprised when her eyes filled with tears as she came closer.

'Oh, Severus.' She said, grabbing one of his stained and cold hands in hers.  
The lump in his throat wouldn't go away and to his horror, his lips trembled a bit. But this was Minerva and not Potter, he couldn't just slam the door on her face. Without any options, he let her continue to hold his hand as he took her to the living room - that looked more like a library - and offered her his favorite chair.

When he went to sit on what he thought of 'Potter's chair' now, the furniture disintegrated.  
He squawked indignantly, just staring up at his old colleague, not believing in the surreality of the situation while Minerva - who had huge owl eyes - just stared at him even more surprised than usual and then, suddenly, started laughing.  
Snape frowned, angry at first. But for the first time in so many years, he felt... happy. Minerva had forgiven him and not everyone hated him. And the loss of his dignity was indeed, quite comical. He was never one to laugh but he couldn't help himself, even though he was silent, his shoulders shook with mirth.  
When he raised his eyes to look at her, she was staring at him with what seemed like fond affection.  
He brought a creaky and rusted chair from the kitchen with two steaming teacups floating behind him. This time he locked the door. Potter may be a dunderhead, enough to not realize what he was brewing but there was a chance that Minerva would figure it out, although Potions were not her area of expertise.

They got a little drunk talking and time passed very quickly. Only when she offered any position he wanted back, did he realize he didn't want to work with insufferable children anymore. He had just been sad when he thought that his services were unwanted.  
It was decided that he would be the official Potions Brewer for Hogwarts. It would give him a great salary and easy access to Hogwarts. He could work from home if he wished, giving him time for himself and do research.

'I always thought you hated being among people.' Minerva chuckled into her cup, then filled with heavy whiskey, not tea.  
Snape himself suggested the job on the spot in a fit of inspiration.

Minerva hugged him before going away and he couldn't remember ever being hugged before.

There were no nightmares or bouts of despair that night and the next day, he would dine with the golden trio and Miss Weasley in Grimmauld. It actually brought a small smirk to the corner of his mouth as he went to sleep.

0o0

Overtime, Potter would sneak in new furniture or Snape would arrive home, only to find two or three men doing repairs, removing wallpapers, painting his walls in green or silver and he would go on a rant next time the boy who lived visited his home. It had been a terrible mistake to let Potter make a spare key and open floo access to him. But he would always murmur a 'thank you' before closing the door, not looking into the Gryffindor's eyes but Potter always understood.

When Snape was introduced to a boy with a horrible name: JAMES SIRIUS Potter, he held the baby at arm's length. Ginny and Harry Potter wouldn't take their son back and he was forced to hold a baby for a long time. When the boy vomited over him he shook with rage as the parents apologized, Ron and George Weasley tried not to laugh and Molly Weasley fussed over him and cleaned it all up.  
It had been an overwhelming evening that made him go back to Spinner's End early, to the safety of his gloomy and silent home.  
It had been a few years and the bouts of despair would only assail him from time to time, becoming rarer as time went by. Time healed all wounds, possibly.

Potter kept to his promise, and always came by, never leaving Snape alone for too long. He would pop up on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and sometimes drag Snape somewhere. He would also be taken to dinner for Molly to 'fatten' him up or to endure Granger's terrible cooking when Genebra or Harry couldn't cook as both were exceptionally good at it. For some reason, Ron and Hermione Weasley, Ginny and Harry Potter all still lived together and they wouldn't stop making babies.

When he visited Genebra in the hospital and was told by a grinning Potter that he named his son Albus SEVERUS, he almost had an apoplectic attack. He sputtered and couldn't say anything, overwhelmed, angry, indignant but also... happy. It was like these people really wanted him in their family. They were not faking anything, it had been years, and they really missed him on occasions when he had his grieving episodes and couldn't leave his home. They understood him too.  
It was hectic and soon, the many visitors tired him. He usually only went to Hogwarts or to his... friends houses but only ordered ingredients by owl post because there were people in Diagon Alley that stared daggers at him when he went there.  
It wasn't different in St.Mungus and there were some people and even a healer or two who recognized him and looked at him angrily or with disgust. That's when he needed to go home immediately, even though Potter would always get angry on his behalf.

It was on an overwhelming night like that, that he came home, breathing heavily and stuck on the past. He ran to his toilet cabinet and grabbed the bottle of Domina Mortis. It was a green vile - his favorite color - with a golden liquid inside. He swished the liquid up and down.  
He has never been sure about taking it anymore. As the fated three months went on, George and Minerva's forgiveness made him rethink his decision, but especially, Potter's friendship.

It was not like having Lily back, it was better.  
He always argued with Lily and they didn't really understand each other.

Potter accepted him unconditionally and it baffled him sometimes, how could a boy that he treated so badly, adore him now.

He opened the vial, taking a deep breath.

He had made all the wrong choices throughout his life...

Then he turned the small bottle upside down and emptied its content in the sink.

It was time to choose something better.

Tears fell from his eyes as he did it. He could never do that to Potter. And he felt like he had what he never thought he would want but that miraculously appeared at the time he most needed.

Severus Snape... against all odds, now had a family and friends that didn't pity him, but truly enjoyed his company. Even his snark.  
One poor baby had even been named after him, Potter really wasn't faking anything, and he had agreed to be the little brat's Godfather, after all.  
He even had a purpose now, besides his enjoyable research, studies, and brewing.

And Severus Snape was finally content.

~ The End ~

Thank you for reading. I wish the best for you and if you are ever this sad, know that you can heal and that things get better. Harming oneself is never an option.  
I've been like this Harry for someone and thankfully, they are better now.

I'd love to hear your feelings on this. Review is fuel. Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I wish Sneeps was mine. No profit.
> 
> Notes: Domina Mortis comes from the Latin and is roughly translated from 'Lady of Death'
> 
> I'd love to hear your feelings on this. Review is fuel. Thank you!


End file.
